Funny Car Jokes

Duck Truck

A policeman pulls over an old man in a pickup truck because the bed of his truck is full of ducks. The officer says, “Sir, it is unacceptable to have this flock of ducks downtown, take them to the Zoo this instant!”

The old man confirms that he will and drives off. The next day the officer sees the same man in the same truck still full of ducks. Only this time all the ducks are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls him over again and yells, “I told you to take these ducks to the Zoo!”

The old man replies, “I did! But now the little buggers want to go to the beach!”

Stop when you see the cop

An man buys a sports car and is really beginning to enjoy it when he sees flashing lights in the rear view mirror. He guns it and is rapidly up to 160mph when he realizes what he is doing. He slows down, then pulls over and soon the cop pulls up behind him.

The cop comes up to the window and asks, “What were you thinking, taking off like that?”

“Well,” the man replies after thinking about it for a bit, “a few years ago a highway patrol officer ran off with my wife.”

“What does that have to do with anything.”

“I thought you were bringing her back.”

I just wanna go faaast

 So there’s this snail, and he’s really tired of being slow, so he goes to the nearest Renault dealer and buys one. He has them paint a big red S on the side, (for Snail) so everyone will see him and, marveling at his new speedier lifestyle, exclaim “Sacré bleu! Look at that S-car-go!” 

Let’s celebrate!

I remember reading this one around the time the Berlin Wall came down…

An extremely rich and famous German sports star was carving up the roads one afternoon in a brand new Porsche. Passing on the right, speeding everywhere, he takes a blind corner at speed and plows into the back of a Trabant, sending them both spiraling into a ditch. Both cars are demolished. The sports star hops out of the twisted wreckage of his Porsche, to see an elderly man climbing out of the Trabant with a jubilant smile on his face. The sports star asks the gentleman if he’s okay, if he’s in shock. The gentleman raises his arms and says “No! This is fantastic! Let’s celebrate! We’re both alive!” He opens what’s left of his Trabant’s door to see a box of Cuban cigars. “What a miracle! Such an impact, and my treasured cigars are okay! Let’s light them and celebrate our good luck!” So the sports star and the gentleman light up, and smoke their cigars. The gentleman looks back inside, and sees his vintage bottle of Scotch and two glasses, and pulls them out. “A toast to us! Such a horrific accident and we made it through without a scratch!” He pours two very tall glasses of Scotch, and hands one to the sports star. They clink their glasses, and the sports star downs his. He looks at the gentleman, standing there with a still-full glass. “Aren’t you having any?” he asks the gentleman. “Oh no, not until the police give you a breathalyzer.”

Words, they mean things

Why do chicken coupes have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4 doors they’d be a chicken sedan

“More than you can afford, pal.”

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?” The young man replies, “A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside?” “Sure,” replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!”

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!” the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

“Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!” Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says,

“You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !” The old man looks up and replies, “OK…, but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?”

Looking for the accident

I was walking down the street today when tow truck driver pulled up alongside me and said, “Excuse me, I’m looking for the accident site involving a van carrying a load of cutlery.”

“No problem,” I said. “Go straight down this road for 1 mile, then take the first left, and when you get to the fork in the road you’re there.”

Yugo forever.

Guy walks into an auto parts store and says to the counterman “I’d like a set of wiper blades for my Yugo.” Counterman thinks for a minute, then replies “OK – sounds like a fair trade to me.” 

Painting job, actually.

 One day a blonde comes up to a man’s door and asks him if he has any odd jobs. The man says “I’ll give you $50 to paint the porch out back.” The blonde goes to work and after 30 minutes, she comes back, and tells the man she is done. “Wow, that was fast,” the man says. The blonde replies, “yes, I know, but that wasn’t a porch. It was a Ferrari.” 

22 miles per hour!?

A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are four old ladies — the three passengers are wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
The officer replies, “Ma’am, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!” The old woman says, pointing to a sign next to the road.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that the sign was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? Your passengers seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Goddammit.

I had an uncle who had the most bizarre fixation back in the day- he would drink brake fluid. Maybe back in those days it was less toxic than it is today, because he never expired of it, but we were always worried about him doing it.

I remember one time my dad told him that he was addicted and needed to cut it out, that it was bad for him.

My uncle replied “Nonsense, I can stop anytime.”

And the mechanic’s name is Tony.

Dominick picks up his Fiat from his mechanic Tony. Tony says, “Dominick, you gotta think about trading this car in. It seems like it’s breakin’ down every other week. I love having you as a customer but this car is costing you a fortune.”

“Yeah, but look at it,” Dominick says. “It’s starting to rust, the tires are almost bald, and it’s got like 90,000 miles on it. Nobody’s gonna give me any money for a Fiat with 90,000 miles on it.”

“Tell you what I can do,” Tony says. “This is just between you and me, but I could roll back your odometer. That way you could maybe get at least a few hundred bucks for it.”

Dominick agrees and gives Tony $20 to roll back the odometer.

Two weeks later Dominick comes by and asks Tony to top off the oil on the Fiat. Tony looks at the car and says, “I thought you was gonna trade this car in. What are ya doin’ still driving it??”

“Trade it in??” says Dominick. “Are you nuts? This car’s only got 30,000 miles on it!”